here without you

I cannot pinpoint why you've been on my mind all day. I listened to the sappy 3 Doors Down song Elvo dug up for me from his junk folder twice this morning with dewy eyes. Perhaps because of that I began to pity myself again. But why that song this morning? Last night I may have dreamt about you after reading your email, but I can no longer recall any dream, just the feather's weight of a memory. Then again, the reason(s) may be circumstantial. It's been warm and sunny for three days, I've been out cycling again alone anxious and exhilarated discovering my little bikeable world, I've been practicing diligently and better at the carillon than ever, I've been savoring luxurious chocolates several times a day, I've been cooking and eating out well, I've been sleep-deprived and pmsing, I've been alone for the weekend, and somehow some or all or none of it brings me back to thinking of you. I forget sometimes what it was like to think of you, but days like this force the memory, and again I am haunted by some profound solitude, the depth of which I can only comprehend when it has already taken hold of me. Nearly two years ago, I could hardly bike for the memory of you after you left for Europe. In Europe myself, biking finally helped me reconcile myself with the thought of you--the faster I flew, the further behind you seemed. Now I take off on my bike, and the very activity that helped me escape the memory of you takes me straight to you. Millay, is there ever relief?